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Packed with nothing but “big scenes” and breathlessly paced in a way that suggests panic at the idea the audience might get bored if things were slowed and toned down even for a moment, pic opens in voluptuous black-and-white with a nine-minute Transylvanian prologue, set in 1887, in which Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) puts the bite on Dr.Frankenstein in an attempt to adopt the monster for his own private purposes.
But this comes just as angry locals are laying siege to the castle, ending in a calamitous windmill fire. 2 presents the long-maned, leather-coated, ultra-macho Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) battling it out in Paris with the legendary Mr.
Hyde (Robbie Coltrane), who here is transformed into an uglier big brother of Fat Bastard.
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Accompanied by a comic-relief vampire expert, a chatty friar named Carl (David Wenham), Van Helsing (here rechristened Gabriel, rather than Abraham) sails for Transylvania, where he is to try to prevent the death-by-Dracula of the last two remaining members of a family long devoted to vampire destruction: gypsy princess Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale) and her brother, Velkan (Will Kemp).
As soon as Van Helsing arrives, to a reception akin to that of Americans in Fallouja, the village is attacked by Dracula’s brides, who in the manner of three marauding pterodactyls, dive-bomb the central square and take peasants airborne in their talons.